Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Anatidaephobia: the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you

I’m telling you, there’s a conspiracy going down.

It all started a few weeks ago. I stepped out of my building at lunchtime to be confronted by two ducks. They were sitting on the grass making a disgruntled quacking sound and watching everyone pass by. Then the next morning I came to work to be confronted by this guy sitting on the wall outside my building:

So I innocently Twittered ‘what’s with all the ducks?’ and had a surprising response. It turns out that a friend has been feeding four ducks in her back garden and another friend has noticed that a feathered family has taken up residency in his communal water feature. Weird, huh?

I left work the next day by the back door in order to avoid the wall sitter by the front entrance. No sooner had I stepped out of the door when I heard a quacking noise by my feet and looked down to see these guys casing the back door. The brown one quacked menacingly at me, I swear it! :) (just check out the stare on the fella on the left….now that’s one dodgy duck….):

Now everywhere I turn there are ducks! And it’s not just a Birmingham based phenomena. I was in Redditch on Saturday morning and there were three sat on a roundabout checking out the cars. And this elderly Bournemouth woman is having hell with a flock that has occupied her fish pond. They’re spreading out and setting up outposts in preparation for the great invasion! They'll be in government soon...banning fishing and discriminating against creatures without webbed feet...mark my words! And they’re breeding fast too - the BBC News reports that a a 'wonder duck' in north Dorset has hatched 21 ducklings!

Yes, they’re cute creatures (and they taste pretty good too) but I reckon these ducks are pure aquatic evil. If they find my lifeless, bloated carcass face-down in the duck pond with my gullet stuffed with dried bread, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

EDIT: Thursday 13th May 2010:

Looks like they've started all-night stake-outs.

Sleeper cell?

EDIT: Wednesday 19th May

My duck invasion spies spotted this fella on the ramparts of Ludlow castle. A look-out, eh? Devious...

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