So the Church of England has completed its four-year investigation into dwindling church wedding statistics - known as The Wedding Project – and the result of this review is the publication of The Church Weddings Handbook: The Seven Pastoral Moments That Matter, a new book that is intended to revolutionize the traditional church marriage ceremony. One of the suggestions in this new book is that couples should be allowed to walk down the aisle to modern pieces of music rather than the traditional Wedding March. A new ground-breaking proposal? Really? Well I’m a church organist and I've been playing modern pop and rock pieces for weddings and funerals for the last 15 years (there are vids on YouTube of my church organ arrangements of Metallica, Lady Gaga, Muse and Green Day and, more recently, Lana Del Rey and Adele to name a few). I enjoy receiving requests for organ arrangements of pop and rock songs because each one is a fresh challenge and it’s also the kind of music that I listen too; I’m a huge live music lover (in fact I’m nursing a hangover from a gig last night), I've been a keyboard player in a rock band and my music tastes are wider than the sky…
Now I
stopped playing the organ and going to church recently, not for religious
reasons (I have never been religious, I just enjoy playing the church organ)
but because I lost respect for the direction that the church was going in and its
repeatedly
forced modernisations. Aside from a few aspects about the church
in general that I became increasingly uncomfortable with - such as fleecing
poor pensioners out of every last penny to meet the apportionment laid down by
senior and affluent living clergy - I didn't like the way that the church was moving
music-wise. Let me explain. I love going out to gigs and I listen to a lot of
new music but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to sit quietly, relax and
chill out to a gentle, old hymn tune. It's the perfect break from the manic noise
of modern life. But my weekly hour of escape came to a screeching halt recently
when the desperate-to-be-cool-but-actually-quite-cringy clergy decided that
they wanted to turn the Sunday morning service into gig night, so we had
guitars, drums and people yelling their vocal chords out. Sunday mornings were
pretty much indistinguishable from my Saturday/Friday nights. And all my hard
work learning to play the organ was annihilated by hymn books that replaced beautiful
four part harmonies with cheesy guitar chords and words that were clearly
written to be read by young children. Excuse me? I'm a musician, not a bloody
primary school teacher with a knowledge of four basic guitar chords!
Now don’t
get me wrong, I’m no stick-in-the-mud who runs scared from change (bring it
on!) and I love modern music – particularly as I am partial to dropping the odd
prelude on My Chemical Romance into the communion once in a while – but I worry
that the CoE is increasingly obsessed with the belief that old music equals bad
music. I worry that it will start
phasing out the old stuff and eventually this resource will die out and we are
going to lose a helluva lot of very good music. And what will we be left with?
Girls Aloud? Purlease. If I get married and find out that my only option to
walk down the aisle to is One Direction then I will freak out big time. Please,
please, please, CoE, remember that the key to modernisation is amalgamation not
replacement and the old stuff – no matter how outdated you think it might be - is
still a valuable resource for musicians (in fact, how many times have I found
myself playing a psalm and thinking 'someone should sample this because it
would make an excellent sample for a goth-rock song...'). And since when do we dispense
with anything that is of musical, literary or artistic value just because it is
old? If this is the case then when was the last time you read a Shakespeare play?
Not recently? Then let’s throw all his plays away, shall we? And surely we don’t
need da Vinci now that we’ve got Banksy, do we? Fetch the skip….
The other
difficulty that I have with this new proposal is that… how should I say this …we
are in danger of implementing The Chav Project rather than The Wedding Project.
Walking down the aisle to Cheryl Cole or Rihanna can work if – and only if - it’s
done right but unfortunately I have attended some weddings where the couple
have tried to put this off and it has been a truly awful experience, like a cheesy
DJ at a kid’s party. Seemed like a good idea at the time, right? I would regularly
remind couples that I was willing to arrange a modern piece for their wedding
if they had a particular song in mind but, if I'm honest, by and large most
brides asked to walk down the aisle to the traditional, spine-tingling Wedding
March. And, I’ve got to say, these tended to be the classier breed of bride. A
bit of Improvisation on Tinie Tempah might attract the brides who want the blingy,
TOWIE/Katie Price style of wedding, but it could be a huge turn off for other
couples (the chavvy church or the classy stately home with a string quartet you
say? Hmmm, where do I book?). I suspect that someone senior in the church has
been watching too many episodes of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and spotted a nice
opportunity to fill the coffers. Ker-ching. And it’s not like the church is money obsessed,
much…
I worry
about where the CoE is going with The Wedding Project and its overall trajectory
in general. It doesn’t seem to want to assimilate the ancient and modern but
completely trample all over the old ways and convert some beautiful old
churches and equally beautiful pieces of music into cheesy 60s sitting-around-in-a-loving-circle
meeting places and nursery-rhyme style borderline-screamo worship songs. What
the Church doesn’t realise is that its identity is in its traditions, they are
its *thing* and it should be making the most of them, not throwing them in the
trash and jumping on the latest, cheesiest fad. Being cool is about being an
individual, not a mindless sheep. I don't want an awkwardly-cool entirely modernised
church, I want a traditional, broad-minded church that can do the shouty drum banging and tambourine waving thing (if that’s
what the masses want *sigh*) but also isn't afraid to have a quiet, traditional
Evensong once in a while with traditional hymns from the New English Hymnal. That’s
the difference between cool church and hipster church. The very second that the
church that I attended converted into a poor man’s O2 academy then it became like
any other modern venue in my life and it lost what attracted me to it in the
first place. What happens when a jazz venue decides that it wants to move into
thrash metal or a rock pub decides that it wants to book boy bands? The
punters go elsewhere...
If I have
a message for the church it is this: Stop apologising for yourself! Yes, it’s
lovely that you are willing to update and modernise and I thank you for this,
but if you keep up this landslide of grovelling apologies and forced
modernisations then you’re going to compromise yourself out of existence. Grow
some balls, stand up and be proud of what you are. Then, and only then, might I
think about giving you a second chance. But the real shame here is that
four years of research have gone into solving a riddle that I could easily solve in
thirty seconds. I suspect that the declining appeal of the church is largely due
to the public’s growing distrust of the church itself; stories in the media of paedophile
priests, wrangles over gay rights, the constant demands for financial
contributions while bishops sit at home quaffing champagne etc etc. A bit of
Girls Aloud isn’t going to change that…

















