Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Last Female Rhino in South African Park Killed by Poachers

The Guardian reported this morning that the last female rhinoceros in a game reserve near Johannesburg in South Africa has been killed by poachers who hacked off her horn and left her to bleed to death. Now without sounding too hippy about it, killing an animal to eat it is one thing, but killing an animal to use parts of it in traditional medicine is just retarded. Yes, I admit that I’m the biggest self-confessed misanthrope around, but slaughtering any endangered animal just to keep granddad alive for a few extra months or give him a better erection seems such a waste. Stop being cheap and invest in some penicillin, you hut-dwelling knuckle-dragging Neanderthals!

According to the report there have been a growing number of poaching incidents recently and police believe that organised criminal groups are responsible. Wanda Mkutshulwa, a spokeswoman for South African National Parks, said ‘police need to help game reserves because they are not at all equipped to handle crime on such an organised level’.

How much does a huge f**k-off size rifle for a South African game reserve keeper cost? 

Because I’ll buy him a dozen…

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Westboro Baptist Church vs Geeks of the World

The most frustrating thing in the world is the overzealous Christian. I’m not talking about little old Doris who does the flowers every Sunday morning, I mean the full on ‘you’re all gonna burn in hell’ redneck with the fixed, creepy grin and the glassy eyed stare. You know the kind I mean. Holding a basic conversations with these people is a struggle to keep their feet in reality and trying to conduct a theological debate with them is like attempting to hold a debate about nuclear science with a scientist who constantly refer to nuclear fission as ‘dancing, sparkly stuff’. Facepalm and leave the room.

Now I’m pretty live-and-let-live when it comes to them walking amongst us and I count some of them as my close friends, but I can’t help but feel a small degree of deep satisfaction when they get their wheels stuck in the mud. It warms my heart in a twisted way. So imagine my delight when I heard about this…

Fred Phelps and his followers from the Westboro Baptist Church have cornered the market when it comes to shouty religious nuts standing on street corners with huge placards telling everyone that they will burn in hell. Their website didn’t exactly endear the group to me when it greeted me as a ‘depraved daughter of Adam’. But when they set up camp outside Comic-Con this year (right) they were far from prepared for the army of geeks that had arrived fully prepared to do battle with them. Equipped with funny signs and chants such as ‘What do we want? Gay sex. When do we want it? Now!’, the geek army set about a counter-attack that will go down in history as the Great Battle of Comic-Con 2010. The reviled Church group were quickly sent away and fanboy power reigned supreme.

The lesson learnt by all is that religion might well hammer women and homosexuals, but it should NEVER mess with a nerd. For the Geek shall inherit the Earth…

Friday, 9 July 2010

Strawberry Ice-Cream Boobs!

So I’m officially one year older on Tuesday and I feel that I must finally embrace a maturer outlook on life and become a wiser and more responsible person. But since I have a few days of immaturity left then please indulge me....

Look, I found ice-cream boobies!!!!

AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh....that's better.......Raspberry Nipple flavour, anyone?

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Rampant, evil, mutant baby killing foxes at large? Really?

Ok, here’s one for you. Foxes: vermin or furry cuties?

Now I’m no socially awkward inbred with a penchant for taking out small beasts with a dusty ancestor’s rifle in order to justify my lofty position in the food chain. But neither am I a tree-hugging hippy with a deep, heartfelt love for every creature in the land, so please don’t think that cute furriness is clouding my judgement.

The recent reports of a fox attacking twin baby girls in their own home has sparked a massive public reaction that is rapidly reaching heights that are becoming comical. I live in a fairly rural area and I regularly see foxes sneaking across the roads at night, so at first I agreed that the alarm should be raised to the possibility that one of these creatures could sneak into your house at night and cause damage or attack small children. It was sensible to flag it up in the public arena (although quite a few folk, including myself to some extent, thought that the attack story stank for some completely fox-unrelated reason that we couldn't quite put our collective fingers on...but that’s another matter…). And that’s when the media started to take it way too far with an onslaught of TV documentaries and newspaper articles on ‘the evil, killer fox’, urging us all to lock and bolt every door and window and buy a huge rifle to protect ourselves and our families. It’s all started to get a bit hysterical and silly and smacks of an en vogue witch hunt; something cool and topical for middle class mums to fluster and fret about at the school gates. And some of this stuff is absolutely priceless comedy gold. Take, for example, this article in the Sunday Times:

‘It seems to embody one’s darkest fear about dwelling in a city: that living among us, silent, watching and waiting for a lapse in our attention is a malignant, amoral force.’

Aaahahahahah! Really? Come on, people, honestly. Pull yourselves together. Yes, we need to aware of the dangers of wild animals living amongst us, but there are bigger evils in this world...get some perspective! And how many children each year are killed or violently mauled by family dogs? But are we calling for Fido to be hunted down and slaughtered on the chance that he might turn bad? No, but I’d like to see the media try to pull that one off...

It was this comment in the aforementioned article that finally changed my opinion on the subject and made me realise how ridiculous this witch/fox hunt had become, especially when written with, what appears to be, genuine seriousness and sobriety:

‘The comedy duo The Mighty Boosh had it about right with their evil, disheveled junkie character the Crack Fox.’

Yeah…and I bet they all have banjos too…